It is rare that a couple can share such deep, dark, private thoughts without, at best, a little discomfort. Usually if a partner hears about something that their lover fantasizes about, it strikes a jealous, angry, or disgusted chord.

A woman once decided to imagine that her partner’s penis was three times larger than it really was. She imagined engulfing this gigantic imaginary erection into her body. She found power in knowing that her vagina could take it all in. She quickly acknowledged, however, that she had no desire to experience anything that large in real life, but she did enjoy embellishing her fantasy with the thoughts of dressing this impressive male member in doll's clothing and taking it for walks in the park. She would use this fantasy during sex with her partner to take to the next level of pleasure. 

One night, this woman decided that it would be fun to share her giant penis fantasy with her partner. After she finished her story, she was met with complete silence. Her partner was crushed that she would imagine him to be bigger than what he really was.  He began worrying that she had been with men who had larger penises than his, fearing that these well-endowed men must have please her more than he could ever hope to do. Her sharing this fantasy led him to believe that his average-sized penis was not enough for her. The next thing you know, he doesn’t really have the desire to have sex anymore. When he did try, he felt self-conscious and, as a result, often failed to become erect. This, of course, led to more avoidance and self-degradation.

Some time passed and the couple decided to go the therapy, because before she shared this story they had an amazing sex life. The counselor helped him see that this fantasy had nothing to do with this genital size or sexual performance, that it just took her to another level of sexual ecstasy. It took him a while, but once he felt comfortable sharing,  he admitted to his partner and the counselor that his fantasy was having sex with a virgin who had the tightest vagina in the world. Both agreed that they loved each other, loved the sexuality they shared, and would never again ask about the private fantasies each used to dispel the occasional intruding distractions. They came to a mutual conclusion that the love that they shared surpassed any tight vaginas or large penises.

If you have a fantasy that you think could be detrimental to your relationship, it would be best to just keep it to yourself. My best friends’ wife told him that she often fantasized about sleeping with his brother. Although she expressed that she would never entertain his brother, he could not get over the fact that his wife was thinking about, not only another man, but his brother. Every time they had family gatherings and his brother was around he felt tingles of anger and insecurity. To her surprise and devastation, my best friend decided to end his marriage. He felt like he would never be comfortable with this idea of her fantasy and the last thing he wanted to do was to resent his brother for something he had absolutely nothing to do with. This type of fantasy is too up close and personal and very threatening. Think long and hard about what you can tell your partner when it comes to your fantasies. Sex is a very intimate thing. Security is the line. Walk it safely.